A new year and new resolutions -- 12 Things Edition

Ah yes. It's a fresh year. It feels good, this clean slate. For several months now, I've been processing changes. For me, it takes a great deal of time to process any kind of change because, for so many years, I simply didn't like change and would avoid it at any cost. Now, I kind of dig change, but I'm a stubborn so and so, and won't readily admit when habits of mine need to go away.

Usually the pattern goes like this (it's almost always in conversation form)

Me: Yeah, it's really rather selfish of me to keep buying so many books. I haven't finished the last 20 I bought.
Brain: But you work hard and take care of your family. You deserve a treat.
Me: Do I need a treat every single week?! Amazon hasn't charged me my annual prime fee, I spend so much on there!
Brain: See! You're saving money!
Me: No I'm not!
Brain: No, really. You are. Jeff Bezos might send you a Christmas card.
Me: Really? You think so?
Brain: You're one of his best customers. I'm sure he will.
Me: That would be SO COOL. (clicks "add to cart")
Brain: (look of smug satisfaction)

Lather, rinse, repeat until I start leaving my debit card at home and change my Paypal password to something I can't remember. Ever.

So, for all of cyberspace, I am putting my resolutions out there. I expect you to hold me accountable, Interwebs -- all five of you who might read my blog.

1) Cliched as it is: to lose weight. I have set a goal of four pounds a month for a year. That's 48 pounds that I want to lose by this time next year. 12 pounds off what I really need to lose in order to be at my weight when I got pregnant with the monkey. Which was still a good 20 pounds off from what I need to weigh and be at the appropriate weight for my height.

And those numbers might be off, truth be told. I haven't gotten on a scale in two months because eating holidays and all that. But I'm going to start with 48 pounds.

2) In consideration of goal number 1, to cut out all the excess sugar in my diet. I will make exceptions for coffee and tea, but this means no soda, redbull (ACK! Kill me now!), candy, or other sweets.

3) In consideration of goals number 1 and 2: to cut out all the carb snacking that happens in my life. This means no trips to the snack baskets at work and to bring in healthy snacks for myself. Since I don't usually eat lunch at work, I must also endeavor to bring in healthy options to eat for lunch.

4) In consideration of goals 1-3: to exercise at least three times per week, gradually working up to five times per week. This one is going to be tough for me considering how much I hate mornings, so I know I won't wake up in time to actually go for a walk or do any yoga. And I don't get much down time before 10 at night. Right now, I don't have the excuse of the weather being too hot. It's perfectly lovely walking weather. I just need to f-bombing get my lazy tush out of the house.

5) Once a week, preferably twice, I will not make dinner and I will tell everyone -- even the Lady Gray -- that they have to fend for themselves so I can disappear into the studio and be creative. It doesn't matter what I create, so long as I create.

6) Not to overcommit: time, money, energy, resources. NO will be my key word of the year.

7) To actively work toward my goal of having a creative business. This means that that #5 and #6 need to happen. It also means I need to follow through on some of those classes I signed up for, work on my web sites, work on products and work on a business plan. It also means that I need to be more organized, thoughtful and productive.

8) To listen more attentively and to give my attention. The electronic devices will get put away and I will focus.

9) To save money each month. This means I'll have to forgo my Christmas card from Mr. Bezos, I suppose, but it'll be worth it in the long run. It also means that I'll have to plan meals for the week and only shop for the meals, rather than whatever strikes my fancy at any given time; look for specials and deals and learn to tell myself no. Instant gratification only lasts for an instant anyway.

10) To really quit smoking. Good lord does this need to happen. No more cheating just at work. No more using stress as an excuse to buy a pack of cigarettes. I have an e-cig, I need to use it.

11) To find opportunities for volunteerism and to give back to the world.

12) To spend more time with my family -- this includes my family up north, my family here and Jeff's family. I need to make an effort to see them and spend time with them. There's precious little time that each of us is allotted on this sphere, so I need to make the most of it with the people that I love.

----

Because I've run out of "things", here are some other goals: to get ready every Sunday for the week ahead at work. To get to bed at a reasonable time so I wake up refreshed. To use what little time I have available each day to work toward achieving my goals. To remember that, in order to be able to give to my family, I need to, first, give to myself. To remember that I am worth love -- my own especially -- and to make the effort to love myself a bit more (this does not mean go shopping every week. It means that I need to honor each phase that I'm in, dwell in my heart a little bit more, and take time out for me). I also need to remember that I cannot and should not control the people in my life or their behavior. I need to love and respect my loved ones for who they are right now, not who I think they should be.

It's going to be tough to make all of this happen. There will be a fair amount of pity partying happening, methinks. Theoretically, I shouldn't try to do all of this at once since so much change might seem daunting and I'll just quit. But you know what? I use that as a damn crutch. And, like my dentist said (as she was filling my very first cavities), "go big or go home, huh?" Damn straight, Doc. Damn straight.

Wish me luck!

I have 17 minutes before I'm supposed to be awake

Every once-a-while, I like to pretend that I'm a list person, in that I will do those things that I put on a list. I'm very bad at accomplishing everything on a to do list, as a rule, despite the feeling of accomplishment I get whenever I DO complete my to do list.

Yesterday I made a to do list for the week, filled with lots of simple things. See, I'm trying to simplify. I'm trying not to be so scatterbrained despite scatterbraininess being part of my genetic make up. So I have this list, and I carry it around with me in my purse. On my to do list are things like "clean out purse" so I don't lose things, like my to do list... Or drivers license; and "make the bed", because I sleep better in a made bed (The Boyfriend™ does not share that quirk).

Because The Nugget will be getting on the bus earlier, starting tomorrow, I also have "wake up earlier" on my list, in an effort to make an early rise time a habit. Unfortunately, this means The Boyfriend™ and I are now waking up at the same time. Neither of us are morning people and both of us being awake at the same time may result in jail time for one or both of us. He is extra cantankerous in the morning, and I am extra sarcastic. Not a good combo.

Frankly, a world run by morning larks should be illegal. I am a night owl; all my best thinking happens at night, the way God intended it. And as I sit here on the back porch up earlier than necessary, sipping my coffee, looking at the pile of cat food on the floor (one of them just knocked a bucket of it down), I remind myself that patience is a virtue.

...One I don't possess. Especially in the morning.

Scallion Pancakes

I've been far away from this space as of late. Too far and too long away, I think. There's been so much life happening these days, that it's been difficult for me to find a few moments in which to gather my thoughts - which have been even more disjointed than usual.

Let's start with some updates:

We are officially moved into our new digs now, but still unearthing ourselves from a mountain of boxes. I'm afraid I haven't been much help with the moving effort because...

The Boyfriend™ and I are expecting our first child together. I must say, there's a world of difference between being pregnant at 24 and being pregnant at 34. I am tired. All the time. I don't remember being this tired with either of the trolls. Lima Bean (as we refer to "her") is due in very late March. I'm hoping, since I have to have another c-section anyway, that the doc can deliver "her" on March 29th - my Grammie's birthday.

In case you didn't notice, I have a feeling (or maybe it's an over inflated sense of wishful thinking) that this one is a girl. Or maybe it's because I desperately need more estrogen in the house, since I'm sorely out numbered in that regard.

That's really it, in terms of big life announcements, but I guess that's plenty. So let's move onto thoughts:

I miss my daily yoga routine and really need to get back into that. I definitely had more energy when I was practicing regularly and didn't feel nearly so out of sorts. There's a focus when you're on the mat and a necessary calmness that happens. I need that calm... Especially for the Lima Bean.

I am so thrilled that the trolls are thrilled about becoming big brothers (again, in The Monkey's case). The Monkey and I have been having marvelously candid conversations about the nature of relationships, life, love and everything in between. He's one cool kid that one is.

I miss home so desperately still. I've realized that my sort of constant general malaise is not so much that as a constant state of homesickness. I miss home. Even Lima Bean misses home... Or so says I (my food cravings are all for things that I can only seem to find back home).

The new house still doesn't feel like a home yet. I think this is due in large part to still feeling like my folks' place, and the rest owing to the fact that I detest the town I live in. I was never so grateful to move out of it - and now I find myself back in it. I'm a bit grateful for this though, since it'll keep the fire stoked to get out of here and move back home.

The Two Year Plan is still very much in motion. Don't you fret about that.

I need, need, NEED to get back into my studio. I miss it with a fierceness. I hope to unearth it tomorrow.

Scallion pancakes a delicious. Just saying.

 

In 29 Hours...

(*Warning! This is going to be some disjointed and incongruous blogging!*)

I will be on a plane, headed home. This makes me giddy with joy!

In five hours - if I can stay up that long - I will be checking in to our flight, so as to get the best boarding options.

In about a half-hour, I'm gonna get back on the cleaning/packing/cleaning wagon, so I'm as ready to go as I possibly can be.

Twelve hours ago was the end of my first-of-six weekly copy writing classes. This shit is so balls deep and the participants were AWESOME! I'm a little bit sad we weren't in an actual class together (it's all on line); but, by the same token, I'm sure if we were all in a physical class, because we're all zany freakazoids, we'd freeze up and the rapport wouldn't have been as tight.

These are some amazingly talented folks. The moderator and instructor, Ash Ambirge is so ridiculously awesome, it's really hard to come up with anything more creative to describe her. She's sixteen kinds of spectacular. She demands that you live out loud, fearlessly, and chase every dream -- pipe or otherwise -- as if it were your last day on earth.

Suffice it to say, I'm so excited I might just pee my pants!

Even though I always say that I'm going to do this or do that on this blog (and rarely come through), I am going to try to get the class assignments up here. At the very least, the exercises are giving me some blog content to put up here.

Aaand....

About 30 hours ago, I was at a tattoo/piercing shop, checking another item off of my life list. I got my nose pierced. It'll piss my parents off royally -- and I may even get threatened with a firing, but it's worth it. Here's why:

1) I have a good nose for a piercing. There are a few features that I was blessed with, and a good nose is one of them. It's well shaped, well proportioned and symmetrical enough to pull it off.

2) I've wanted my nose pierced since I was 18. At the time, though, I had to choose between getting my eyebrow done or getting my nose done (even though I dig piercings and tattoos, I don't like overdoing them. OK... I've overdone the tattoos, but at least I'm not buying crack. Amiright?), and I opted for an eyebrow ring.

3) Piercings are not permanent -- unlike tattoos. Once this heals up a bit more, I will be able to take it out for work and other occasions that require a modicum of professionalism and decor. While I shouldn't mess with it for at least 8 weeks, I know how my body works and I should be able to mess with it just fine in about four weeks.

4) I'm 34 years old (ACK!). I should not have to not do something that, in all reality, is relatively benign because I'm worried about how my parents are going to react.

4a) My parents should also not be dictating how I live my life. See the whole being 34 thing. See also: I'm the good kid.

5) And really, in comparison with my siblings, I could probably tattoo half of my face and still be considered the "good kid".

6) Seriously, nobody has reacted to my nose ring. Not even friends that have seen me on a fairly regular basis. Nose rings are just that... well, common. It's a tiny little stud and, once the piercing heals and I can take the piercing stud out, it's going to get even tinier. Which is kind of my point about it being benign.

7) I spend a lot of time examining my pores (I'm mildly obsessed with squeezing the crap out of them). The older I get, the bigger my pores get. I seriously have pores that are bigger than the hole the piercing will leave. Which is traumatizing in its own right.

8) If my parents are going to freak about a nose ring, they probably should've freaked about the sparrow I have tattooed on the middle finger of my left hand. If that was only mild disapproval, they probably should STFU about the nose ring. 

9) At the end of the day, it makes me happy. It's not alcohol. It's not drugs. It's not sex with random strangers. It's such a small thing, but it makes me feel as if I'm being more true to myself.

And, at the end of the day, being true to oneself is the most important thing.

My mom often says that my generation feels like they're entitled to happiness -- which, to her, is unrealistic and silly. But she's not exactly correct. We don't feel like we're entitled to happiness. We're willing to work our asses off for happiness because living a miserable existence just isn't worth it. It isn't worth the sperm it took to make us, the labor it took to deliver us into the world, or all the bumps, scrapes or bruises it took to bring us to where we are.

We don't expect hand outs. We don't expect a free ride. We do expect that, if we're willing to pay our own way, and it isn't hurting anyone, to live the life we want to live; to work a job that doesn't make us loathe waking up every day; to dream big and live bigger.

After all, we're only allotted so many trips around the sun. We need to make the most out of every single second.

Playing in the whitebox

I finally got some decent lighting a couple of weeks ago. Not great lighting, but decent. There's a lot to be said for natural light. And awesome photo editing software. An artist can't rest simply on her laurels, now can she?

Here are some of the results:

I spent the better part of tonight deep in iPod-land desperately trying to cobble together more sentences for the book I'm working on. When the muse clearly was busy elsewhere, I decided it was time to do some photo editing instead. While I'm not 100% thrilled with what I captured that evening, I'm glad I'm getting back into the groove with the photography again.

I've come to realize that my art is a holistic thing; it requires both typical tools of the artistic trade and photographs. When my pool of photos is running thin, I have to revisit the ones I'd previously discarded as not good enough. Often I find treasures in there -- things that won't stand on their own merit, but are otherwise excellent fodder for some mixed media work.

The only thing I'm really lacking these days is time. There are simply not enough hours in a day and in my week to get everything I want to do done. I keep trying to figure out how to make it all work, but there really is no such thing as having your cake and eating it, too. That frustrates the hell out of me, because I don't like being thwarted. Because, dammit, I have dreams. Big ones. Living, breathing, dynamic visions of what I want my more immediate future to look like -- and it has nothing to do with dragging my ass out of bed so I can drag it into a corporate job.

Which is why I have to have my cake and eat it -- swallow great big gobs of it. Because dreams this big won't wait to come true. I have to ride this for all its worth. I've got the support and love of a good man, trolls who already believe I'm an artist and don't understand why I'm not an art teacher. I've got the gumption, the vision and the relative know-how. Now all I need is time -- and a bit more money in the bank.

New Orleans: You Had Me at Hello

I forget which number on my life list it is, but going to New Orleans was on it. I'm here for work, but we've been able to find snippets of time to explore this awesome city.

While they still have a ways to go, much of the city has been rebuilt post-Katrina -- who was unable to destroy the vibr an culture of this basin. There's an energy here that has left me a little bit changed for having experienced it. I feel richer somehow; a little more complete.

Tomorrow the show ends and we're hitting the road to go back to Florida. I'm already scheming and plotting to find a way to get back here and truly explore all that this city has to offer.

Lunch break at the day job

Breaks are never long enough. Just when I'm finally recharged enough to work on the creative biz stuff, it's time to go back inside.

...which is why I need to work more diligently on this stuff, so I can quit my day job and focus solely on my venture. Right?

My current obsession, art-wise, are these types of drawings, which I will be turning into bookmarks and selling on my etsy shop. Of course, since I'm obsessed with this, I've made zero progress on either of my books. Figures, right? But it's cool... I have a troll free weekend, so hopefully will stat focused enough to hammer some progress out. Because next week I will have no time...

Another item is coming off the life list. I'm going to New Orleans!

Happy New Year!

If you're Mayan, you're probably counting down the minutes to doomsday. Of course, I have my thoughts about the end of the world -- mainly, that they have the date wrong (it's really hard to peg the right date when the type of calendar we use has changed so much in the last few hundred years). Being an avid student of history really kills the whole "the world is going to end" buzz for me. It's kind of a bummer, really.

Though... part of me wishes that the world -- at least the materialistic, consumeristic, Jersey Shore worshiping part of it -- would come to end. I would love nothing more than a return to simplicity. Less TV and more talking. Fewer hours in front of an X-box and more time in front of campfires. My wishes are grandiose in their simplicity.

So, it's the beginning of the year -- traditionally when people make a whole bunch of resolutions. I always say I'm not going to make any resolutions (because I'm horrible at follow through), but then I do anyway. Usually right at the top of the list is "actually follow through on my resolutions", which I never do. Have I mentioned that follow through is not my strong suit? So I decided to change it up. This year, I'm going to focus on a theme. Yeah, I'm totally having a theme party kind of year.

My theme: fearlessness.

In case it wasn't obvious, I'm actually kind of neurotic. Usually about stuff that centers around anything having to do with being embarrassed or making mistakes. I'd say I was borderline phobic about making mistakes (it's the oldest child syndrome I'm rocking. Damn birth orders). So this year, I'm going to take more chances. I'm going to be bold and say "yes" more. I'm going to wear neon pink tutus and horizontal stripes (suffice it to say, this rubenesque girl doesn't do horizontal stripes). I'm going to be silly and foolish and truly enjoy life.

That isn't to say that I don't truly enjoy my life -- because I do. Oh, lords above! How I love my life! I love my trolls and The Boyfriend™ and our family. I love the life we've created and are creating. I love that The Boyfriend™ can talk me into staying in bed all day -- and The Trolls are totally down with it. I love my new green kitchen and I love cooking for my boys in it. I mean, there is just so much I love -- and am immensely grateful for -- and I want to get down and dirty and revel in it!

And not care if I'm acting a fool. As inspiration (and gentle kick in the ass) I am going to read, every day, Neil Gaiman's New Year post:

"My New Year Wish"

..."I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or live.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing. Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever."

Hear! Hear! Neil.

Inch by Inch

The Etsy shop is growing! I've added more items -- earrings, for now -- and will be adding more very, very soon! The Boyfriend™ fixed my loaner sewing machine, so after I'm done being a little one-man Christmas sweatshop, I'll return to making my fun and whimsical fabric jewelry.

I plan on making the investment -- time and money-wise -- to get more traffic to my page. However, I definitely want a bigger selection up there before I start directing a ton of traffic to my Etsy shop. In the mean time, I'll promote it here and on my web page -- www.samandsady.com.

I have some other updates that I'll get up here in the next couple of days -- including: how I lost the Mother of the Year Award; why I'm considering a career change (to waitressing, actually); how The Best Friend® abandoned me to make herself happy; and the great Christmas Tree Debacle... OK. It was neither a debacle or much of a story, but I'm wicked excited to have the first real Christmas tree I've had since I moved to this godforsaken state (and it's officially The Boyfriend™'s first real tree, period).

Until I can get back to the computer, I leave you with this outtake from this year's Christmas card:

Backhanded Productivity

The elving has been kinda sorta paused and I've posted new items up on Etsy! (samandsady.etsy.com)

Oh yeah! You can have this!

Next on deck: completely confounding The Boyfriend™ by rearranging the house. The Trolls are with The Ex at a Bucs game, so I have some down time. What else to do with down time but completely rearrange the house! OK... so not completely rearrange, just move some tables around (I have to put up my Christmas Village, yo!)

This is gonna be a busy post day, too. Pictures from hanging the lights will be coming. The Christmas goodness that is our house right now, will be coming. And I'll be making a fan page for the Sam and Sady shop.

I may get back to the elving thing tonight -- if I don't completely blow my load doing all the other stuff. LOL!

12 Things - Thanksgiving Edition

It's Thanksgiving -- the time of year when, traditionally, people will go about saying what they're thankful for. I kind of hate that part of the holiday, but only because we should tell those that we're grateful for that we're grateful for them all the time, rather than just a specific time of year.

...Let me step off my soap box now.


This is my 12 Things About My Thanksgiving -- sort of like a list of things I love about this time of year. Autumn is, hands down, my favorite time of year -- especially in New England. The weather is cool and crisp and you know it's time to reap your harvest and batten down the hatches. It's when family bonding happens with a vengeance.


1) My dad's side of the family has a tradition of anonymously writing down what they're thankful for and putting it in a basket. The basket gets passed around the table and each person takes a turn reading someone else's thankful list. It's pretty darn awesome.

2) Cheese rolls. My nana started this one -- cheesy delicious wrapped in a crescent roll. But not just any crescent roll -- potato dough goodness.

3) I have never been able to make cheese rolls because I have absolutely no skill when it comes to baking bread. Yeast and I have agreed to see other people.

4) I am hosting my first Thanksgiving dinner this year. With The Boyfriend™. It makes me insanely happy.

5) I miss my family the most during this time of year -- which is just action packed full of getting together and enjoying the hell out of each other.

6) My Aunt Lis's house -- where we traditionally go for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve -- always smells like fabric softener (though I don't think she uses the same brand all the time) and something else I can't quite put my finger on. The smell of her house is one I associate with love.

7) The smell of my gram's house is the one I most associate with "home." Her house smells like Palmolive dish soap, the basement (but the good basement smell) and her perfume -- which she almost never wears. Actually, I don't think my gram wears perfume -- she just smells that good all the time.

8) My gram can fart. Loudly. She giggles when she does it.

9) We know when it's time to leave when Gram starts getting to go bags ready. She does this even when we're not at her house.

10) I have never left my gram's house without a to go bag. Even if it's just a sandwich bag full of lollipops. The woman is a food pusher.

11) I love the eating holidays. The food pushing gene runs strong in me.

12) I can't eat most traditional Thanksgiving food because I'm allergic to it. That has not hindered my love for it though.

So, tell me. What are your 12 Things for this time of year?

A Moment of Gratitude While Sitting on My Front Porch

Today was a particularly exhausting day, but not for the usual reasons. I'm on day three of my moon cycle - and this day is usually heinous. My body is worn out and demands rest on this day of the cycle, and the best thing I can do is honor that demand. Resistance is futile.

It was also open house at The Nugget's school tonight. I met his teacher and am ever so excited about the year for him, knowing that he has a compassionate teacher who is in it for the love of teaching. So far, I've heard nothing but positively glowing statements about her methods, her classroom, and about HER. I admired the way that she gently, but firmly, established her "alpha" role with The Nugget - even while I was standing there. It was a moment of cooperative "parenting," and put me even more at ease.

I have tomorrow off from work and am looking forward to the long weekend with The Trolls and The Boyfriend™ before school starts. While filled with a bit of here and there, it's also an opportunity for us to batten down the hatches and gear up for the school year. In anticipation of the chaos, I've gone a bit off the deep end and implemented a by-the-hour school week schedule, in an effort to not only mitigate that chaos but allow more structure and being present for each other, as a family.

Being present is something I am even more acutely aware of these days. Our trip to Massachusetts planted the seed and a startling wake up call, by way of The Monkey's report card, fertilized the roots. My children suffered for a lack of my being truly present for them. *I* suffered for a lack of being truly present. My relationship with The Boyfriend™ suffers from that lack, too, as well as a lack of listening. And while it will be an uphill battle to undo the damage wrought by my ignorance, I am grateful that I had this epiphany in time to fix it.

There are certain things that I wish I had the luxury of: homeschooling The Trolls, making a living from my art, so I can stay home and not be beholden to the clock. But being present and aware of that desire to simplify allows me to give more purpose to my days, because I am working toward that goal. Building the foundation for the realization of my dreams, by researching homeschooling, sustainable living, how to make my etsy shop successful, homes and land for sale in New England, will allow me to have EXACTLY what I want, rather than some facsimile thereof. So, in a way (and as frustrating as it is), I am grateful for the interlude between now and THEN - when I've achieved my goals - and here and THERE, so that the foundation I build is solid. So that I learn to breathe and be present. So that I walk this path with mindfulness.

Between here and there, and now and then, I can create memories and traditions. Memories of paths explored during the remaining time in Florida, to take with us and give us something to reminisce about during those long winter nights in New England. Traditions that can translate to whatever home we're in. Habits and guidelines to sustain us as we transition from one cycle of our lives together.

The last - and I think the most important - thing I am grateful for tonight is the realization that it's not too late. Time has a funny way of speeding by, but I have the power to slow it down. I have the power to stopnthe clock, if necessary, to give myself a couple more seconds here or there to make sure that I am not late. And as long as I am moving forward toward the realization of my dreams, then there is no such thing as too late.

The Two Year Plan...Ssshh I'm not supposed to talk about it.

My first instinct is not to say anything about The Two Year Plan, lest Injinx it somehow, but upon further consideration, if I don't say anything, I'm likely to just keep it a plan and not do anything about it.

I'll get to the plan in a moment...

My head is spinning right now, so I can't sleep at all. Tomorrow I have to go back to work and there is absolutely so much I have to do, in such a short period of time. Fortunately, The Trolls are still in Massachusetts for the next few weeks, so I'll be able to commit to linger hours at work, which will help. But still...nothing like leaving paradise to come back to the gauntlet. Jeez Louise...

This past week was magical, even if nit terribly exciting. I feel like The Boyfriend™ and I connected on a really solid level. We spent some real quality time with The Trolls, creating good, happy memories for us all. You can't put a price on that.

Even though I didn't have near enough time to see all of my family or most of my friends, the time I did spend with family was solid and good. I feel grounded and whole again. The Boyfriend™ got to connect with my family and glean a greater understanding about why I am the way I am (which, I think went a great deal toward helping connect us).

The air was breathable; the river clear and crisp. I got a good fix of rainy weather, which I have been so desperately missing in Florida, where we are currently experiencing drought-like conditions.

There were ghosts and burnt popcorn. There was one bleeding head. There was peeling skin and picnics on the grass. There was a bedroom campout. There was love and laughter and joy.

I am not ready to leave that behind. So, I won't. Which brings me to The Two Year Plan.

Over the course of the next two years, The Boyfriend™ and I will be scaling back the excess in our lives to scrimp and save every penny toward moving to Massachusetts (back to, for me). It's going to require a phenomenal effort on our parts, considering that I especially have the attention span of a fruit fly, but the benefits will be worth it. By August 30, 2013, if all goes according to plan, we should have about $24,000 saved up, which will be a nice nest egg to start our new life. Here's how it will work.

There are certain fixed household expenses, not counting groceries, daycare, cell phone bills,etc. We're each going to maintain our private bills separately. Fixed bills are about $1000 a month, total, or $500 each. Not a lot, when you get down to it.

We're each going to set aside, in the joint account, another $500 per month, each. This chunk will go into savings where we'll promptly forget about it and let it accrue some interest.

The Boyfriend™ wants to buy a house up there, but I'm more of a renter. We'll have to see how this one pans out, but the ultimate goal is to have a solid chunk of change for a down payment on a fixer upper that we can make our own. The Boyfriend™ currently owns the house we're living in now, so we may hold onto it as a rental property so he, at least, has an exit strategy.

There are a lot of other small details that are going into this plan, such as cleaning up old, existing debts, and making sure that we're planning meals before we grocery shop, so we don't go overboard - and I'll spare you the rest - but, the nitty gritty is what, ultimately, will help us stay focused and on target.

In the mean time, I'm trying to equally realize that much of this is post-vacation syndrome, but also realizing that my excitement has more to do with this being something I really, REALLY want to do (and it's on my life list, no less), and wanting to keep the momentum of my post-vacation syndrome going to propel me toward success.

I expect that there will be hurdles on my way, namely unforeseen expenses, or unplanned trips to the ER, but I will NOT let those get in the way or get me down.

The funny thing is, though, The Universe seems to be pointing us in this direction, anyway, from my Kabbalah tune ups, to my TUT messages, to my horoscope...everything is saying DO IT. And whe. the Universe speaks, it's wise to listen.

Keep the positive thoughts flowing, my lovelies. I'll need all the encouragement, focus, love and support I can get.

And The Best Friend will always be two years older than me

It is my birthday today, and I spent a glorious day of doing whatever the hell I felt like doing-- which really wasn't all that much. I napped... A lot. I went out to lunch with my beloved, and got more birthday greetings than I could count on all my fingers and toes. It was a GOOD day.

It occurred to me that I was grateful for just the remembrance from family and friends, and didn't care that I didn't have minds and mounds of gifts to open. The gift of friendship and love from so many people reminded me how truly blessed I am, and all that love meant so very much more than all the gold in Fort Knox.

The thoughtfulness in the arrangement of flowers and 33 balloons from my mom, the book and camera that The Best Friend got me two months ago, the scrumptious edible arrangement from my ever thoughtful uncle John, and my Brion Box of goodies all delighted me to no end. Then gestures, so filled with love and thoughtfulness meant so much to me, that my heart is near to bursting with gratitude and love.

The Boyfriend gave me a kick ass Hindu yoga poster - ever aware of my passing and lasting fancies - and with it, gave me the gift of rearranging the house so that our energy can flow better. He's treated me like a princess all day and I have wallowed in his adoration and love.

Even The Trolls remembered my day, and sang happy birthday all the way to school. The Nugget, who tends toward misbehaving at school, suffered through being haved all day so he'd have a sticker to show me. The Monkey was disappointed that nobody got me a cake, because a person shouldn't have to buy her own cake on her birthday. I had to remind him that I'm allergic to eggs and really don't like cake all that much just so he'd stop worrying so much.

I am damn lucky. My nana's prophecy that 33 is a very good year to be is already in existence, already manifested. It IS a good year. With all this loving kindness, there isn't anything I can't do. Heck, there's even a meteor shower tonight, as if God said, "here. Make all the wishes you can think up, cuz I'm gonna grant 'em all."

Oh, wow...

It's been damn near a month since I posted last. Time flies when you're busy filling every last minute of it.

Breathe in...breathe out.... Keep breathing.

I am now officially all moved in with The Boyfriend™, and only have a few boxes left to go through. Somehow, and I have no idea how, I have turned into little Betty Homemaker, and loving every second of it. For now I'm loving it. Life is finding an easy rhythm again and I'm easing my way into it and matching my own timing to that of my new life.

As I unbury my art supplies and journals, I'm craving the return to the canvas and looking for inspiration again. I've been away for so long, that I'm going to have to ease back in to that.

All in all, I am very, very lucky. And I am very, very grateful.

I'm going to nestle in to bed, and enjoy the last night of my three day weekend, while finding some peace in thensound of the rain.

Aaand.... GO!

Woo doggy! There is just a ton going on, much of it requiring that I float in this sort of holding pattern for a bit longer. All of it rather disjointed and leaving me feeling mostly empty and devoid of anything tangible to offer in this here blog space.

...Except for a smidgen that is reminding me of all the immense wonder and good that is coming down the pike. I hold on to that smidgen tightly these days -- it's my life preserver.

So what have I been up to lately? I'm glad you asked!

Learning to live with the restrictions of gallbladder disease is still a process, but one that is keeping me acutely in tune with the rhythms of my body. While this particular journey is one about learning to live with restriction, I am grateful for the opportunity to get to know my physical being a bit better. The process is definitely helping me to learn to love myself; to find my curves voluptuous and sexy, rather than the unpleasant consequences of a hedonistic lifestyle.

I'm amazed that this particular medical malady has triggered a wellspring of self-love and healing. Seriously, the best presents come in the plain wrapping paper -- and when least expected!

And in other news, I think I can safely announce The Thing That Needed To Happen thing... The Boyfriend™ and I will o-fficially be living together at the end of January (that's when my lease is up)! Yay!

...No. I still haven't met his mother yet. Yes, I'm aware that this is all very ass-backwards.

The process of choosing to live with someone is foreign to me. When The Ex and I moved in together, it's because I was very, very pregnant with The Monkey. And even then, I stayed a night or two with The Rental Units until they moved to Florida, forcing me to spend every single night with The Ex. Living with The Ex is my only frame of reference for this kind of thing, sad as that may be.

However, I'm learning to navigate these strange waters of choice. The process is bringing The Boyfriend™ and me closer, allowing us to learn to communicate with each other from a very fundamentally honest place. We are speaking from our hearts about our fears and concerns -- and not just about living together, but also about the whole scope of our relationship. Skeletons are being exorcised from their respective closets, so to speak. The Ghosts of Exes Past are being trotted out, greeted and promptly dismissed. Quirks and neuroses (yes, even The Boyfriend™ has quirks) are being discussed, poked, prodded and told to shut up.

In addition to the lovely-ness that this move is creating in my relationship with The Boyfriend™, it's also lighting a fire under my ass to start purging myself of all my clutter, which is in keeping with my life list goal to live more simply.

And, frankly, co-habitation will enable me to more easily and readily pursue other items on my Life List, as it frees up some of the necessary cash flow. More importantly, however, The Boyfriend™ is a constant support for my life goals, never really allowing me to rest on my laurels and constantly, yet gently, reminding me to get on with it already! Despite his claim that he can never remember anything, home boy certainly remembers to remind me about going back to college... and to re-type the family letters, like I promised my nana I would do.

(Universe, if you're listening, THANK YOU!! for the wonderful, delightful miracle that is The Boyfriend™)

Of course, it's not all sunshine and magic faerie dust. The impending move stuff is happening smack dab in the middle of getting ready for Christmas. And when you have Trolls under the age of 15 living with you, you can't just skip over all the Christmas stuff.

Because I'm a glutton for punishment, I decided that this year I'd be making Christmas gifts for all of my nearest and dearest, in the style of the Magical Box of Delight that is my annual Christmas and birthday gifts from my Uncle Brion*. This means that most of my free time is being consumed by creating gifts, which means that there isn't room left for me to create for the sake of creating.

Strangely, I'm OK with this for right now. I think my soul needs the down time and space to process all this change coming 'round the bend. As soon as I'm settled in my new digs, I will being jumping back into my art as if my life depended on it -- and that may very well end up being the case.

In between all of these marvelous things, is my spiritual progress. I'm learning so, so much right now:

- I'm learning to find my limits and in those limits, learning to say no without feeling guilty.
- I'm learning that selfish impulses are a normal part of the human condition -- we just don't have to act on them is all. But occasional indulgence is good for you.
- I'm learning that it's OK to feel empathetic to a friend's plight or "lack" without having to diminish your own happiness... or feel guilty about your own plentitude.
- I'm learning that, much like how the universe handles us all, there's only so much help you can give someone emotionally, physically, monetarily before you have to say, "Enough. Start helping yourself now."
- I'm learning how to hold my tongue -- especially when a loved one is not in the head space to hear the truth.
- And I'm learning that MY truth is not THE truth, and may not work for everyone.
- I'm learning to simplify. Sifting through the physical detritus of my life thus far, and getting rid of a lot of it, has been a wondrous catharsis.

So, as you can see, there is so, so much going on! So, so much to do -- and more of it yet to do. This is the ramp-up; the training before the big race, where the finish line is all of my dreams coming true, and happy little check marks appearing next to all of the things on my life list.

I wish ALL OF YOU this joyous wellspring -- as overwhelming and exhausting as it can be at times. I wish YOU ALL these miracles.

-Namaste.



*My uncle Brion always sends me these wonderful boxes filled with things that only Uncle Brion knows how to find. Things like weird socks and lip balms and journals and odd clay jewelry. His presents never fail to delight me no end. I'm starting to think that Uncle Brion is actually Santa Claus

And the adventure begins - 12 Random Tuesday Thoughts

So much floating in the ole brain bowl tonight. My undiagnosed ADD is in hyperdrive. I'm too excited, too nervous, too impatient. I'm too TOO. So, have some updates by way of randomness, in list form!

1. Numbers 67, 90 and recent addition 112 on my Life List will be done, done and done once I take a few intensive weekend workshops at Snow Farm in Williamsburg, MA (my home state).

2. Snow Farm is perhaps the coolest place I've come across in a dog's age. I am BEYOND excited about even the idea of immersing myself in the culture of this place and learning new skills, to add to my talent pool.

3. When I say things like "talent pool" I am reminded that I have been in the corporate world far too long.

4. I let my cat, Meep, sleep with me for the first time since he was a foundling kitten. He was so happy he chirped at me all night long. It did my heart so much good. Ursa, on the other hand, couldn't have cared less about being let into my bedroom. Why? Because she is mischief incarnate; an imp in cat's clothing and sneaks into my room every chance she gets. She is clearly The Boyfriend™'s cat.

5. Speaking of The Boyfriend™, I have had some of the most perversely rational conversations about co-habitation with him lately. I mean, surreally rational. I am just not used to this level of rationality. So I...

6. Informed The Boyfriend™ that I could make no promises about remaining constantly sane because sometimes I just really need to let my temper out of its cage. Which is true. It's not a facet of my personality I'm particularly proud of, that I pick fights just so I can yell, but at least I'm honest about it.

7. I need to learn how to yell to the people I love, rather than at them.

8. The Boyfriend™ is very understanding and accepting of my personality quirks. So I blame him for enabling me.

9. Recent events that were required for the next passage of my journey have come to fruition. But I'm still not going to tell y'all what those events are until such time as I actually have to. But it's big. It's scary -- in a good way. It's exciting. Keep the love and positive energy flowing this way, because we're going to need it in the coming weeks. I'M SO EXCITED!!

10. It's never too early to teach your children about the nuances of sports betting, so The Monkey has been doing chores around the house so he can earn the money to get in on the football pool at work. I feel like such a good mother. Added bonus -- when he's telling his future therapist about all the things I did wrong, I can pipe in and say, "Yeah, but what about the football pool I let you participate in?! That taught you important lessons about LIFE. Score one for Mom!"

11. I have never been so constantly hungry IN. MY. LIFE. Reducing my fat intake to practically non-existent quantities (just enough so I can process proteins and vitamins, but not enough to make my gallbladder freak-the-hell out) is making me feel like I have a constant case of the munchies. But without the bonus of being too stoned to notice.

12. I am TOTALLY going to make the world my bitch! I am going to own this place like it was my job (because being The Benevolent and Merciful Ruler of Everything in the World is going to be my job). It'll be fun... and awesome! It may even involve unicorns and, quite possibly, ninjas (of the Teenaged Mutant Turtle-y variety)

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Things I'm Grateful For - Part 8

I originally started this entry while on the plane ride to Florida, back from Massachusetts (my home state). Either the Xanax (necessary for my being able to fly – damn turbulence) was working overtime or the freshness of the trip was making the words rather bitter, so I shelved the entry until I had at least one full day “back to normal” with which to process the last couple of days.

Since moving to Florida in the summer of 2005, I have not been back to Massachusetts during the fall – admittedly my favorite time of year. This was not for any particular reason other than I just hadn’t made it up there. But I think, subliminally, I hadn’t made the journey north during the autumn because New England falls have a unique magic all their own; it captivates and enthralls you – even one such as me, who thought herself pretty immune to foliage – and you find yourself pricing houses and wondering how many cords of wood you’ll need for the upcoming winter.

"Downtown" Buckland, MA

As fate my begging would have it, I wound up working a trade show in Marlborough, MA this past weekend. My bosses bestowed their benevolence on me by allowing me to piggy-back a mini-vacation onto the trade show trip (it helped that it was significantly cheaper for the company for me to fly back on a Tuesday, rather than that Sunday).

Side note: The Boyfriend™ was born and raised in Florida. The furthest north he’s ever traveled, in this country, was to West Virginia (he was in Michigan when he was a baby, but that hardly counts, since he doesn’t really remember it).

Because I was already headed home, I begged and cajoled nagged The Boyfriend™ into coming with me, to see my roots. I figured it would be best to place myself “in context” by way of explaining some of my rather – to a Southern-born mind – eccentric way of being. In need of a vacation outside of Florida, The Boyfriend™ acquiesced and I picked him up from Logan Airport and we made our way to Western Mass.

The Boyfriend™ being intensely touristy. See the look on his face? Intense.

Side Note: There is an entire state west of Boston. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe – even the maps Enterprise Car Rental was handing out stopped exactly at Interstate 91 – but Western Mass exists. Where do you think people go to get liquor on a Sunday?

I pre-warned The Boyfriend™ -- who hates long car rides about as much as I hate flying – that there would be a lot of driving involved in this trip, mostly because my grandmothers now live 45 minutes apart from each other, and they were my priority for the day. Because The Boyfriend™ is delightful and incredibly understanding of my weirdness, he was mostly good-natured about my neurotic, road trip-filled behavior (the man seriously needs to be nominated for sainthood. I am no picnic – even on the best of days). I think it helped that my family was incredibly accepting of him (read: they just went along about their normal behavior, as if The Boyfriend™ had always been there), and he could just ease himself in.

The last time I was home, I was rather melancholic about it; home didn’t feel like home anymore. I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to be nomadic for a bit longer, until I either found where home was or I made peace with New England again, so I could return, but other than that didn’t pay my melancholy much mind. Home feels less so when you stay away long enough. It’s the nature of the beast.

I must’ve made peace with New England, when I wasn’t paying attention. Sometimes that happens to me – must be the perpetual distraction by shiny things.

While driving hither and yon, this quote from Rumi was a constant refrain in the back of my mind:

It may be that the satisfaction I need depends on my going away, so that when I’ve gone and come back, I’ll find it at home.

HOME!

Suddenly, I was home. It wasn’t just the place I was from – this was home. A sense of peace overcame me and I was looking at familiar streets through a different set of eyes. I was aware of everything and the beauty of it all – how food tasted better, the water more pure. As poetically trite as this is, my heart literally sang with joy. HOME!

The Boyfriend™, apparently, feels similarly. That, let me assure you, was not something I was prepared for. In fact, I was prepared for everything but his falling in love with Massachusetts. After all, Florida is what he knows; it’s where he was born and raised. He’s always been within a stone’s throw of an ocean – and the Pioneer Valley is certainly not an ocean; and while the Connecticut River is pretty, it’s not nearly as warm as the Gulf of Mexico.

But I should’ve been prepared. I should’ve known that the foliage would be a succubus. I should’ve known that he’d experience the first good night’s sleep he’s had in a dog’s age (New England air has that effect). I should’ve recognized that one of the things that attracted me to The Boyfriend™ in the first place was a similarity in spirit to my beloved New England. Perhaps, it’s why I wanted to take him home for Halloween to begin with – I must’ve known on some level that he’d love it.

I knew I’d be weepy and nostalgic – even though home hadn’t felt like home for quite some time, I still miss the holy hell out of my family – and the Xanax would be doing double-duty to calm my frazzled flying nerves as well as my heartbreak at leaving my family, but I was prepared to suffer that alone. Turns out, I don’t have to. The Boyfriend™ misses home as much as I do.

Artist Space and Pages From My Sketchbook

This is my work desk. When I need more space, I work on the floor, despite owning an easel.

Sunflowers  - rough draft, though I'm kinda diggin' it this way

Turning The Best Friend's album cover into art -- this is the only part of it I like.

The Everything I Love to Do List

I think I mentioned that, through a moment of synchronicity, it was Karen Walrond's blog - www.chookooloonks.com - that set me on the course of living my most authentic life.

Her story is remarkably similar to my own, to the point where I find myself constantly nodding my head in agreement, as if I were bobbing my head along to my favorite song. I check her page every day for inspiration and to keep me true on the path when I feel like I should just give up and do what "I should."

So, thank you, Ms. Walrond, for being my beacon. While you don't know me from Adam, I owe you a debt of gratitude.

Because she's been right on the money so far, I am taking Karen Walrond's advice and listing everything I love to do that fills me with joy and/or grace.

I am, more-than-likely, going to forget a whole lot of things that I love - mostly because the fact that I love something doesn't hit me until I'm smack dab in the middle of doing it, where, upon the epiphany of love, I relish the moment and then promptly get distracted by something shiny.

No, I don't have ADD. Why do you ask?

Without further ado, and in no particular order, here's my list of things I love to do:

1. Drawing, painting, sketching, collaging -- basically, anything at all have to do with making art.
2. Photography -- especially if it's urban decay. How I love urban decay.
3. Reading
4. Drinking coffee (I need to marry Juan Valdez)
5. Yoga (I really need to do this more often. I always feel tons better afterward... except during that one period when I was getting angry all the time during and after)
6. Date Night with The Trolls -- a little tradition started back in the day. I'll post a blog about it one of these days.
7. Wikipedia-ing - I love, love, LOVE looking up inane topics, like medieval cooking processes.
8. Spacing out - other than when creating art, this is the only time my mind actually stays still.
9. Road trips - I love exploring new places and feel such a sense of accomplishment when I can follow directions.
10. Cooking -- it soothes me to no end, and I love that feeling of providing sustenance to people I love.
11. Making plans for anything - there's nothing like a good plan to make you feel successful. Now, if I can learn how to follow through on said plans.
12. Visiting museums, historic landmarks or anything else that feels like I'm reaching back through time to connect to a people or civilization.
13. Taking things apart to figure out how they work.
14. Being able to answer The Trolls' questions -- and have them pay attention to the answer.
15. Listing to The Trolls laugh -- The Monkey is going through The God Awful Puberty, so hearing him laugh is a rare blessing these days. The Nugget's laugh is ridiculously contagious, so much so that he once got an entire airport terminal laughing, just from listening to him laugh.
16. Stealing back my time - between all the have to's and shoulds, this little act of rebellion is especially necessary for my soul.
17. Singing in the car -- I sing it loud and proud.
18. Making Lists - I mentioned how my mind doesn't sit still, right? Lists make me feel safer. Weird, I know.
19. Visiting with my family - now that I live so far away from the vast majority of the nest, these visits are especially meaningful.
20. Having one of "those" conversations -- you know the ones, where you feel so very connected to the person you're talking to, and you feel like you could solve the world's problem just from that conversation alone.
21. Discovering something new to be obsessed with - like steampunk, Tim Burton art, traveling to Turkey or the app for my camera phone.
22. Early morning snuggles with The Boyfriend™ -- oh, those do my soul SO much good. I could get drunk on those snuggles.
23. The Best Friend®'s kitchen -- well, and spending time with her, too.
24. Experiencing through my olfactory sense -- food cooking, concrete after it rains, my nana's basement, the woods back home in Massachusetts. Some of my best memories are associated with scent.
25. Making a friend feel better... or at least making them smile.
26. Experiencing the world anew, through The Trolls' eyes.


I will have to add to this as I think of more things. It feels exceptionally awesome to take a moment to reflect on that which brings me joy!


Why don't y'all take a moment and make a list, too. It'll do your heart good.