Getting my shit together

The Boyfriend™ posed an interesting question to me last night. He asked me what I want REALLY want to do with my life. My answer was immediate, albeit grandiose: I want to change the world. And I do.

I spent the remainder of the evening trying to figure out how I would even begin to accomplish this. I'm scattered and kind of flaky. I want to try everything immediately and simultaneously. Most people that change the world are hyper focused to the point of obsession and hyper focusing is just not my bag, baby.

Then I remembered that my great-grandmother changed the world. A Fulbright scholar and Guggenheim Fellow, she is now celebrated in Australia. People in the states, who wish to, can now receive a degree in Folklore because of her efforts. She wrote a couple of books. She graduated Suma Cum Laude from NYU in 1934, when few women even went to college, never mind graduated with honors.

I remembered my nana, who went to Harvard where she received her masters degree in education, which she used to teach generations of school children who still honor her to this day.

I remembered my mom who overcame a lot of adversity to start her own business which is, by all accounts, very successful.

These are my models. This is the blood that flows through my veins. These women broke through barriers and wouldn't take no for an answer. So, really. What's holding me back? Not a damn thing!

That old saying, "change starts at home" rings particularly true right now. A LOT of what I want to accomplish starts right here. It starts with my life list. It starts with teaching The Trolls about compassion and making a difference. It starts with filling my home with love and tolerance - for myself and my family. And I've already accomplished much of that, with no small amount of assistance from The Boyfriend™.

The next step is to make sure that I am brave enough to share it all here, in this space and to make sure that I am frank about it all, despite the level of embarrassment I may experience. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, so I really shouldn't pretend to be.

After that, I need to make sure that I insist on love. Because changing the world requires love. A lot of it. Self love (not to be confused with selfish love), love for your neighbor and love (for the sake of conversation and to eliminate resistance to the idea, we'll call it tolerance) for your enemy.

It's about honoring processes and the ups and downs that come with the journey. It comes from not resisting but going with the flow. It also means that I'm going to have to learn to live with things thatbmake me uncomfortable and learn when it's time to let go of thosenthings that are no longer appropriate for my journey.

And I realize that I sound like a lot of self help gurus out there. I also sound like a whole bunch of other bloggers out there that want to make a difference with their story. My joining my story with theirs, I believe there's a greater chance for success for the world to tranform into a beautiful, loving place.

Cheers to the first steps on this journey.

Namaste

On Honoring... Authenticity

Another theme I'll be running through this blog is "honoring." "On Honoring..." will be a series of entries about accepting, allowing and honoring something about myself -- and, hopefully, by honoring that something in me, I can give someone else the foundation to honor it within themselves. Honoring is something I'm learning how to do, mostly because I've find myself rather defective in a lot of ways.

But you know what? Defective is OK. Actually, strike that -- defective is fucking fantastic!

When we say no, or when we follow our dreams or true callings -- people might be disappointed in our choices. Allowing people their disappointment sets us free." (Attributed to Christine Kane, from Boho Girl's blog)


Living authentically has always been difficult for me -- mostly due to my innate fear of disappointing anyone. I mean, it could be a distant cousin, the stranger in the passing car, or the telemarketer on the phone -- I don't want to disappoint any one of them. Most especially though, I don't want to let my family down.


I'm rather phobic about it, actually.

My disappointment phobia is a fairly large hindrance to living my most authentic life, because living the way I want to will inevitably disappoint someone -- most likely my parents. I will undoubtedly make a choice for my life that someone else would not have made for me.

Woah. Wait. Let's pause here and take a look at that last sentence. It encapsulates my thought process rather nicely:

I. Will. Undoubtedly. Make. A. Choice. For. My. Life. That. Someone. Else. Would. Not. Have. Made. For. Me.

Anyone else see something wrong with that? Yeah, me too.

That very disturbing sentence really does explain why I am constantly afraid of trying... of succeeding... of failing... of taking a stand... taking what's mine... of being brave... of saying, "This is YOUR prejudice. I will NOT let it inhibit my life anymore!"

I will honor my authenticity -- and all that fabulous defects that go along with it. I declare:

I will try...
I may stumble and fall, but...
I will get back up.
I will succeed!

And while I'm at it, I'm changing the definition of defective, too!

With or without anyone's approval, MY life begins now!

Life List Goal #86 - To write a children's book based on my gram's life (get it published) - and other thoughts about creativity

I'm going to start work on the illustrations for my children's book about my gram today. The muse has spoken and I must answer her call. Added bonus: I have an excuse to sit on my ass for the next few days, while I hyper-focus on illustrating. Super added bonus: The Trolls are gonna be totally stoked because they get to have cereal for dinner.

Whenever I pre-plan an art project, I have to let it germinate. Germination times vary, however. If I let it sit too long, I lose interest and the idea goes away. If I dive right in, the results are often piss poor and result in a lot of wasted art supplies, which is neither environmental nor fiscally friendly, (my salary from the day job can only allow for a very limited art supply budget, and The Trolls didn't sign on for the "starving" part of the starving artist gig). If it's a project of worth (aren't they all?), I have to keep an eye on it, but without keeping an eye on it. It's a delicate balance.

I knew I wanted to write a children's book about my gram for a while. Looking at pictures of her from when she was a kid, she was always the one making the funny faces while her sisters posed politely and appropriately for the pictures. She was impish and tomboy-ish, all qualities necessary for the hero of a children's book. Plus, she's got a great name for a character, Dottie, which saves me the trouble of coming up with one. Above all, though, she's my gram and I love her to bits and I think it would delight her to know end to see herself as a children's book character.

But I was having a hard time wrapping my head around the illustration part. Would I do literal interpretations of the stories? Would I try to sketch images from the photographs? Should the pictures be sort of the nonsequitor element of the story? In color? Black and white? I couldn't decide, so I just sat on the idea coming back to it every once-in-a-while. I'd roll it around, decide I didn't quite have it, put it away, take it back out... basically, it's the hokey pokey of projects.

In a moment of... something (I don't know what word I'm looking for here)... the illustration piece came to me, so I'm going to start hammering those out this week. The pieces will be inspired by gram - kind of like movies that are "based" on books are more "inspired" by the book - rather than literal interpretations of her life. I'm very excited and will try to post pictures of the illustrations.

I don't want to get too far ahead of myself and think about the "get it published" portion of the goal. I know I can get it published, what with the plethora of self-publishing options out there. If it's good enough, I may try to get it actually published, published. But in the mean time, I don't want to put that kind of pressure on myself.

Close, but unrelated side topic: it interests me that the muse seems to speak to me mostly when I just don't feel like doing anything, when I'm not feeling "it," and when I'd like nothing more than to sit on my ass and contemplate the bottom of a bag of Cheetos. But this is also when I'm at my most neutral, mood-wise. I can't make good art when I'm depressed or happy; I'm too vested in the emotion. When I'm feeling neutral, but may not actually be neutral, the emotion can sort of just flow through me and come out in the work.

The Actual Life List (and last post for today... maybe... I'm making up for lack of posting yesterday. Yeah, that's it)

You’ve talked about your life list, but what’s actually on it.

Part of me wants to tell you that my life list is a private thing and I don’t need to itemize out every single thing on it. But isn’t this whole blog about my life list (among other things)? And if I’m blogging about it, and want to live my most authentic life, I should probably be candid about my list.

Disclaimer: Some items on the list will be redacted, insofar as they’re just too personal to be in such a public place.

1. Learn how to make a chevron pattern friendship bracelet. DONE
2. Make those friendship bracelets for my friends.
3. Go back to San Francisco and visit all the touristy places I missed the first time I was there.
4. Visit Seattle
5. Visit Colorado (I’m thinking Boulder)
6. Get my passport
7. Get divorced (about ½-way there… paperwork is done, etc)
8. Own an outrageous and unnecessary red dress
9. Have the fairy princess wedding of my dreams (I don’t actually have “wedding dreams,” but I’d like to have “the show.” I eloped the first time)
10. Host an adult dinner party.
11. Cook a five-course gourmet meal.
12. Eat Chinese food in bed with The Boyfriend™ (maybe even feed it to each other)
13. Be passionately kissed in the rain.
14. Travel through Europe.
15. Hike the Appalachian Trail.
16. Take a road trip whose sole purpose is to stop at every tourist trap and historic landmark along the way.
17. Go to New Orleans.
18. [Redacted – I considered leaving it, but this one is just this side of too personal]
19. Go back to college and earn my degree in something useless, like business.
20. Be recognized for my art.
21. Be a published author (specifically with books that are written and illustrated by me).
22. Make my own pottery
23. Learn how to sculpt
24. Learn how to salsa dance – for real.
25. Learn how to properly cook five French dishes (two of these are done).
26. Visit an ashram in India.
27. Visit India
28. Visit China.
29. Ride in a hot air balloon (I have a late appearing mild fear of heights, so this will kill a couple birds with one stone).
30. Visit Africa.
31. Make my own ice cream.
32. Make my own olive oil infusions.
33. Attend Burning Man.
34. Go to Macchu Picchu.
35. [Redacted – it’s in my journal, but too personal for the blog]
36. Learn how to speak Italian
37. Learn how to speak German
38. Learn how to speak Spanish
39. Own a Craftsman-style house.
40. Learn to crochet.
41. Crochet an afghan.
42. Get my nose pierced.
43. Photograph indigenous people in Africa, Burma, Sudan, Bali, and the Easter Islands.
44. Attend a drum circle.
45. Visit Tibet.
46. Ring in the New Year in Times Square.
47. Taste 50 different types of rum (I’m up to eight, so far).
48. Visit Hadrian’s Wall.
49. Visit Stonehenge.
50. Take a trapeze lesson.
51. Have truffles in Paris.
52. See the aurora borealis.
53. Learn how to process my own film.
54. Kiss the Blarney Stone.
55. Contemplate my navel – or figure out exactly what that means (I looked it up, so I know what it means. I only consider this one ½ done).
56. Go two weeks without a clock or calendar.
57. Learn how to juggle.
58. Learn how to belly dance.
59. Become a licensed massage therapist.
60. Work for Doctors without Borders.
61. Grow my own herbs from seed to plant – without killing them (I’m on attempt 2)
62. Grow my own vegetables (Thanks to The Boyfriend™ for starting this one for me)
63. Cook a meal using only the herbs and vegetables that I grow.
64. Put on my own gallery show, sell the art, and donate the proceeds to charity.
65. Make a decent living from my art, be it through gallery shows, Internet sales, etc.
66. Learn basic metal smithing.
67. Make my own metal jewelry.
68. Get a postcard from 20 different countries.
69. Take The Boyfriend™ home for Halloween (we have a trip planned for mid-October, because I happen to be going to a trade show during that time. I’m going to count this one as done, once we go and come back). Done (10/16/10)
70. Go on a [redacted] getaway weekend with The Boyfriend™ and [redacted].
71. Get an iPhone, iPad and a Macbook (yes, I’m an Apple fanboy)
72. Make my own clothing that I would actually wear in public.
73. Buy an African Violet and keep it alive.
74. Planet lavender by my front door – keep it alive.
75. Learn to ask for help – and ask for it.
76. Own and wear a traditional Indian sari.
77. Make kites from newspaper and fly them with my kids.
78. Make a fort in my living room with my kids. (DONE)
79. Have a spa and makeover day with The Best Friend®
80. Make a pinhole camera and take pictures with it.
81. Take my own breath away.
82. Quit smoking.
83. Learn how to say “kiss me” in ten languages.
84. Learn how to say “I love you” in ten languages (DONE).
85. Tell my kids I love them in ten languages.
86. Write and illustrate a childrens’ book based on my gram’s childhood. Get it published.
87. Read War and Peace – from start to finish.
88. Understand algebra.
89. Jump in puddles with my kids (DONE)
90. Learn woodworking and build my own furniture.
91. Bake my own bread (DONE)
92. Own a Chincoteague pony.
93. Find and buy a Duaflex camera (DONE)
94. To finally believe that I am, in fact, an artist.
95. Taste 100 microbrew beers.
96. Live off the grid.
97. Learn to live simply.
98. Be a bartender (I don’t know why, but the idea appeals to me).
99. Make a tutu and wear it.

100. Design and build my own web site.

101. Learn to play the violin.

102. Learn ASL.

103. Learn to play the guitar.

104. Have a dance party with my kids, in the living room.

105. Make a thousand paper cranes (I have 21 done).

106. Make an oaktag crown.

107. Learn five new origami folds.

108. Make my own ricotta cheese.

109. Make my own lip balms
110. Travel to Turkey
111. Go to a Rainbow Gathering
112. Learn how to weld.

I am nowhere near done adding to the list, but this is a good start.