Friday, January 13, 2012

So Here's the Thing

I am pretty reserved. Believe it or not, there's a ton of stuff that I would love to do but just don't have the balls to try, or say, or post. It took a phenomenal amount of conquering my inner critic just to set up my etsy shop, that's how reserved I am. It wasn't until I started being able to say that I'm an artist that the muse hung around for any length of time. It appears that she'll only honor those that honor the talents she gave them.

I admire the shit out of people who can get up in front of people and proudly proclaim themselves an artist, a singer, a scientist. They grab hold of their talent and go balls out, daring someone to tell them otherwise. And the haters? Fuck 'em, right?

Way back in the day - we're talking high school here - I considered becoming an actress. The acting bug bit me early and held on strong for years. I loved pretending I was someone else, feeling someone else's thoughts, saying someone else's words. It didn't hurt that I was born with a flair for the dramatic, and a hankering for the spotlight, into a family that loved music truly, madly, deeply.

So, my sophomore year of high school I decided to audition for the senior musical. This was the new English teacher's attempt at imbuing our rather culture-less town with a bit of Broadway (he was a New York trained actor). It didn't matter that it was just assumed all the choice roles were supposed to go to seniors, I wanted to be on that stage. So I picked a song and memorized a couple lines, stood in the spotlight and a couple days later, the cast list was posted and... I WAS THE LEAD! In a musical! Holy shit!! This Irish girl was going to be Rosie Alvarez in Bye Bye Birdie.

That was the beginning of my illustrious high school acting Career. That teacher, Mr. McGuire, saw something in me and brought it right out. He even got me audition at an acting college in New York City - which I never went to. I met The Ex and was head over heels in love... and The Fear had set in. Sure, I was a star in my small town, but in New York? No, it could never happen. And what about my relationship?

So I stopped acting. And I stopped singing except when I was in the car or really drunk. And I got more and more timid and The Fear took over more and more of my life until I became a shell of my former exuberant self.

All of this is back story to a promise I made to myself: this year I am going to sing again. In front of actual people. I am not going to worry if they like my voice or not. I am not going to care if I go a little off key. I can sing, dammit, and I will.

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