I've come to a conclusion

I am unequivocally NOT a crafter. I truly and deeply admire those with the tenacity to craft; to create workable goods, like quilts and afghans. I WANT to be one of those people.

Frankly, I just don't have the patience for it. 

I don't want to follow a pattern. I don't want to read the instructions. I don't want to baste or pin or knot. I just want it to magically HAPPEN.

This lack of patience might explain why I can't bake to save my life, but why I can cook like my name is Gordon Ramsey. See, baking is an exact science, and cooking is more abstract and amenable. You need patience to bake, kinda like you need patience to, oh I don't know, quilt.

Needless to say, while I am going to see these projects through, put some check marks next to the numbers on my life list, I canNOT wait to get back to the freedom that art - for the sake of art - gives me.

And I will leave the crafting to those with the mettle to stand it.

-- Sent from my Palm Pixi

Other Distractions

So...I now have my new phone. It's wonderful having a pixi in my pocket. Oh and yes. I've already dropped it. I'm good like that.

This weekend was spent reverting back to my nocturnal nature: stay up til 3 am and sleep in til noon. Problem with that is that I have a day job that doesn't mesh with my nature.

In addition to reverting back to nocturnalism (is that a word?), I also began embarking on the project of repurposing shirts, that I haven't worn in forever, into a quilt. The Boyfriend even contributed to the endeavor and is now claiming it's his quilt. 

He is, of course, mistaken. At best, it's OUR quilt. But I digress.

And so the shift continues, both in the physical and spiritual realms. As more boxes get packes, I can literally feel the shift in my psyche. Big, good changes are imminent. Changes that are going to give me a whole new context to operate in. 

It's exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Terrifying because I am walking into this with eyes wide open and trusting in the unknown.

So, I distract myself with quilts.

-- Sent from my Palm Pixi

Oh HEY! There you are!

So, I know I promised that I would try to update daily... or at least more frequently than I have been. And, yes, I know that as a new blogger, I need to keep blogging like I'm getting paid for it (if I ever expect to get paid for it). I know all this. But I have a really good excuse...

I'm still busy as all git out.

So here's what's been going on, in list form (and in no particular order):

1. Right now, I'm cooking lunch for work. My kitchen looks like something exploded in it, which is how it should look.
2. Because I'm cooking lunch for work, I'm not doing my laundry. I'm also using the fact that my laundry basket is full of clean clothes, so I can't use it to haul the dirty clothes to the washer, as a handy-dandy excuse to avoid laundry.
3. I'll get to the laundry. I have to. I'm down to the unmentionable underwear and it's not even that time of the month.
4. I dropped my phone yesterday and it is no longer in working order. Apparently, when I purchased insurance when I replaced the last phone I dropped and broke, the idiots at the Sprint store put the insurance on the wrong line. So I had to pay for the replacement.
5. I've been knitting and looming (is that a word?) like it's my full time job. I kind of wish it was my full time job.
6. All this constant motion is making me feel incredibly artistically drained. I may have to resort to purchasing pre-made Christmas cards this year, rather than making them like I usually do.
7. I've been in cleaning and sorting and throwing-out mode for the last week, in preparation for The Move™. It's actually quite fun... sort of. I like the whole getting rid of stuff part. I've even been clearing out email, which is not like me at all. I have email in my inbox from 2007. No, I'm not kidding.
8. All this cleaning and getting rid of stuff has made realize that I have a LOT of shit. This is making me want to toss it all in a big ole pile and set it all on fire and just start over.
9. The Boyfriend™ won't let me set anything on fire... the bastard.
10. The Move™ is the official name for the moving in with The Boyfriend™. Adding ™ to the end of things makes them more amusing... and less scary
11. The Boyfriend™ has made noises about getting me an iPad for Christmas. If he does, I will officially be his slave for the rest of my and/or his life (whichever comes first... or until something shinier impresses me more).
12. I discovered that no matter how good you are at poker, you can't win when you're playing against beginner's luck. And settling for second place isn't settling; it's just good financial planning.
13. Thanksgiving is right around the corner and I. Can't. Eat. Any of it!!! Between my weird food allergies and my stupid gallbladder issues, I'm down to salads and fat free chocolate pudding. I take comfort in the fact it's how the Pilgrims did it.
14. The lunch I'm making for work is all British food, because I'm ironic that way.
15. I had my first unadulterated road rage moment the other day. I enjoyed it probably more than I should've. But I was totally justified, y'all. Home boy was at a full stop at a green light.
16. I have to go roast some hazelnuts, or I'll be up until tomorrow morning cooking.

Yeah... I'll stop listing things now.

Aaand.... GO!

Woo doggy! There is just a ton going on, much of it requiring that I float in this sort of holding pattern for a bit longer. All of it rather disjointed and leaving me feeling mostly empty and devoid of anything tangible to offer in this here blog space.

...Except for a smidgen that is reminding me of all the immense wonder and good that is coming down the pike. I hold on to that smidgen tightly these days -- it's my life preserver.

So what have I been up to lately? I'm glad you asked!

Learning to live with the restrictions of gallbladder disease is still a process, but one that is keeping me acutely in tune with the rhythms of my body. While this particular journey is one about learning to live with restriction, I am grateful for the opportunity to get to know my physical being a bit better. The process is definitely helping me to learn to love myself; to find my curves voluptuous and sexy, rather than the unpleasant consequences of a hedonistic lifestyle.

I'm amazed that this particular medical malady has triggered a wellspring of self-love and healing. Seriously, the best presents come in the plain wrapping paper -- and when least expected!

And in other news, I think I can safely announce The Thing That Needed To Happen thing... The Boyfriend™ and I will o-fficially be living together at the end of January (that's when my lease is up)! Yay!

...No. I still haven't met his mother yet. Yes, I'm aware that this is all very ass-backwards.

The process of choosing to live with someone is foreign to me. When The Ex and I moved in together, it's because I was very, very pregnant with The Monkey. And even then, I stayed a night or two with The Rental Units until they moved to Florida, forcing me to spend every single night with The Ex. Living with The Ex is my only frame of reference for this kind of thing, sad as that may be.

However, I'm learning to navigate these strange waters of choice. The process is bringing The Boyfriend™ and me closer, allowing us to learn to communicate with each other from a very fundamentally honest place. We are speaking from our hearts about our fears and concerns -- and not just about living together, but also about the whole scope of our relationship. Skeletons are being exorcised from their respective closets, so to speak. The Ghosts of Exes Past are being trotted out, greeted and promptly dismissed. Quirks and neuroses (yes, even The Boyfriend™ has quirks) are being discussed, poked, prodded and told to shut up.

In addition to the lovely-ness that this move is creating in my relationship with The Boyfriend™, it's also lighting a fire under my ass to start purging myself of all my clutter, which is in keeping with my life list goal to live more simply.

And, frankly, co-habitation will enable me to more easily and readily pursue other items on my Life List, as it frees up some of the necessary cash flow. More importantly, however, The Boyfriend™ is a constant support for my life goals, never really allowing me to rest on my laurels and constantly, yet gently, reminding me to get on with it already! Despite his claim that he can never remember anything, home boy certainly remembers to remind me about going back to college... and to re-type the family letters, like I promised my nana I would do.

(Universe, if you're listening, THANK YOU!! for the wonderful, delightful miracle that is The Boyfriend™)

Of course, it's not all sunshine and magic faerie dust. The impending move stuff is happening smack dab in the middle of getting ready for Christmas. And when you have Trolls under the age of 15 living with you, you can't just skip over all the Christmas stuff.

Because I'm a glutton for punishment, I decided that this year I'd be making Christmas gifts for all of my nearest and dearest, in the style of the Magical Box of Delight that is my annual Christmas and birthday gifts from my Uncle Brion*. This means that most of my free time is being consumed by creating gifts, which means that there isn't room left for me to create for the sake of creating.

Strangely, I'm OK with this for right now. I think my soul needs the down time and space to process all this change coming 'round the bend. As soon as I'm settled in my new digs, I will being jumping back into my art as if my life depended on it -- and that may very well end up being the case.

In between all of these marvelous things, is my spiritual progress. I'm learning so, so much right now:

- I'm learning to find my limits and in those limits, learning to say no without feeling guilty.
- I'm learning that selfish impulses are a normal part of the human condition -- we just don't have to act on them is all. But occasional indulgence is good for you.
- I'm learning that it's OK to feel empathetic to a friend's plight or "lack" without having to diminish your own happiness... or feel guilty about your own plentitude.
- I'm learning that, much like how the universe handles us all, there's only so much help you can give someone emotionally, physically, monetarily before you have to say, "Enough. Start helping yourself now."
- I'm learning how to hold my tongue -- especially when a loved one is not in the head space to hear the truth.
- And I'm learning that MY truth is not THE truth, and may not work for everyone.
- I'm learning to simplify. Sifting through the physical detritus of my life thus far, and getting rid of a lot of it, has been a wondrous catharsis.

So, as you can see, there is so, so much going on! So, so much to do -- and more of it yet to do. This is the ramp-up; the training before the big race, where the finish line is all of my dreams coming true, and happy little check marks appearing next to all of the things on my life list.

I wish ALL OF YOU this joyous wellspring -- as overwhelming and exhausting as it can be at times. I wish YOU ALL these miracles.

-Namaste.



*My uncle Brion always sends me these wonderful boxes filled with things that only Uncle Brion knows how to find. Things like weird socks and lip balms and journals and odd clay jewelry. His presents never fail to delight me no end. I'm starting to think that Uncle Brion is actually Santa Claus

And the adventure begins - 12 Random Tuesday Thoughts

So much floating in the ole brain bowl tonight. My undiagnosed ADD is in hyperdrive. I'm too excited, too nervous, too impatient. I'm too TOO. So, have some updates by way of randomness, in list form!

1. Numbers 67, 90 and recent addition 112 on my Life List will be done, done and done once I take a few intensive weekend workshops at Snow Farm in Williamsburg, MA (my home state).

2. Snow Farm is perhaps the coolest place I've come across in a dog's age. I am BEYOND excited about even the idea of immersing myself in the culture of this place and learning new skills, to add to my talent pool.

3. When I say things like "talent pool" I am reminded that I have been in the corporate world far too long.

4. I let my cat, Meep, sleep with me for the first time since he was a foundling kitten. He was so happy he chirped at me all night long. It did my heart so much good. Ursa, on the other hand, couldn't have cared less about being let into my bedroom. Why? Because she is mischief incarnate; an imp in cat's clothing and sneaks into my room every chance she gets. She is clearly The Boyfriend™'s cat.

5. Speaking of The Boyfriend™, I have had some of the most perversely rational conversations about co-habitation with him lately. I mean, surreally rational. I am just not used to this level of rationality. So I...

6. Informed The Boyfriend™ that I could make no promises about remaining constantly sane because sometimes I just really need to let my temper out of its cage. Which is true. It's not a facet of my personality I'm particularly proud of, that I pick fights just so I can yell, but at least I'm honest about it.

7. I need to learn how to yell to the people I love, rather than at them.

8. The Boyfriend™ is very understanding and accepting of my personality quirks. So I blame him for enabling me.

9. Recent events that were required for the next passage of my journey have come to fruition. But I'm still not going to tell y'all what those events are until such time as I actually have to. But it's big. It's scary -- in a good way. It's exciting. Keep the love and positive energy flowing this way, because we're going to need it in the coming weeks. I'M SO EXCITED!!

10. It's never too early to teach your children about the nuances of sports betting, so The Monkey has been doing chores around the house so he can earn the money to get in on the football pool at work. I feel like such a good mother. Added bonus -- when he's telling his future therapist about all the things I did wrong, I can pipe in and say, "Yeah, but what about the football pool I let you participate in?! That taught you important lessons about LIFE. Score one for Mom!"

11. I have never been so constantly hungry IN. MY. LIFE. Reducing my fat intake to practically non-existent quantities (just enough so I can process proteins and vitamins, but not enough to make my gallbladder freak-the-hell out) is making me feel like I have a constant case of the munchies. But without the bonus of being too stoned to notice.

12. I am TOTALLY going to make the world my bitch! I am going to own this place like it was my job (because being The Benevolent and Merciful Ruler of Everything in the World is going to be my job). It'll be fun... and awesome! It may even involve unicorns and, quite possibly, ninjas (of the Teenaged Mutant Turtle-y variety)

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Almost there... but not quite

So I'm almost there, the end is in sight. Using the appropriate metaphor here -- the baby is ready to crown (not that I would know what that's like. The Trolls were C-Sections). There is still so much that can go so very wrong, and the slightest misstep can throw a wrench into all the works.

It's an odd no-man's-land I'm sitting in, even for me: a notorious fence-sitter. But here I sit, and I wait. A heretofore unknown wellspring of patience keeping me afloat. My leg is metaphorically and literally shaking, because I'm not exactly Job, but I'm trying desperately not to rush things that must come in their own time.

I'd love to share with you all this potential goodness coming down the pike, but I'm inherently superstitious. I don't want to jinx anything by saying it out loud. Right now, I'm focusing as much energy as possible as manifesting this next step, which is entirely necessary for the subsequent steps.

So much goodness, so very close. I can see it as vividly as if I was currently living it. When the universe gives me the go-ahead, I'll fill you in. In the mean time, share the love and send some manifesting energy to this step.

Namaste.

I'm not going to pretend that this is even going to make sense

I've been experiencing a strange dichotomy of emotions lately. Simultaneously feeling stuck and at the cusp of a major spiritual breakthrough. Funnily enough, I haven't had time, this week, to focus on much more than just simply getting through the day. I could only spare my beloved a couple of short hours ('til this weekend) -- a gift of time that was sorely needed.

But I was talking about my dichotomous emotional state, wasn't I?

I think the best way to explain what's been going on with me is this way: I hand write my blogs before I post them -- a habit (the handwriting, not the blogging part) picked up in elementary school, where we were told to always do a rough draft first, to work through the bugs. Of course, this predated computers and I suppose, these days, I could skip past the writing-it-out part and get right to the typing (and make my corrections real-time), but I rather enjoy the connectivity and visceral response I feel putting pen to paper. When the words flow through me, writing it out feels more like art and less like something anyone can do.

But I can't stand my handwriting these days, and I become focused on the aesthetics of the page, rather than the words themselves, and I end up stopping -- the displeasure so rancid in my mind that I become too distracted to continue my thought. I have about six blogs started -- good ones, too -- but not fleshed out enough to post (maybe I should just post what I have, in list form. Hmm... that's an idea).

This really is a good example of what's been flowing through my head lately. I am doing battle with a seemingly ceaseless mental cacophony of negativity, yet have never felt more clear or more connected to myself. I am so in touch with my emotional state, and am in awe of the process, that I really don't want to stop the barrage of vitriolic sewage from battering my skull.

And yet... yet, I have never felt more spiritually centered, more aware or more connected to myself and the God force than I do right now.

I'm not even afraid that all this means that I am naturally an evil and bitter person. Quite the contrary! I recognize it as an honest response to the recent medical trauma I experienced and my working through it, and also of cleansing of the cobwebby parts of my head; the dark side, if you will.

I am fully honoring my darker nature because I know I don't want to stay here for very long, and to resist the darkness is to linger longer with it. And because of this honesty and clarity -- and my lack of fear -- that I recognize it only as a rite of passage. So I will immerse myself in the cleansing fires and await my deliverance with calm certainty.

So I get a little obsessed sometimes. Doesn't everyone?

When The Boyfriend™ and I first started dating, and up until very recently, most of my conversations were peppered with mentions of "The Boyfriend™ did this..." and "The Boyfriend™ said..." This was due in large part to his novelty. The relationship is still pretty new (we haven't even hit the 18 month mark yet), and because the bulk of my dating experience happened during high school, most every event and milestone in our relationship was new. So I talked about it non-stop.

Suffice it to say, The Best Friend ®  is very patient and long suffering. She only called me out on the obsessive boyfriend chatter once.

Despite the continued novelty of The Boyfriend™ and his deliciousness -- and in no small part due to my undiagnosed ADD -- my gallbladder is my latest obsession. I mean, I was just told that I have an affliction that will effect the rest of my life y'all... like having kids, except that my gallbladder won't ever move out. And I can't ground it.

What's worse is that most people who have low gallbladder ejection fraction results just get the thing removed and deal with the dietary restrictions that come with having no gallbladder. Seriously, I scoured the internet for more information about LGEF and there is nada out there, except forums for people who just got their HIDA scan results back and are moving onto the forcible eviction of their gallbladder stage.

WTF, people?! Seriously WebMD? You've got nothing?! And don't think I've forgotten about YOU, homeopaths and holistic healers! Where are my remedies? Where are the teas and tinctures and tonics to get my gallbladder to start pushing out bile like it's supposed to?

Oh and Google? You're supposed to think for me! Why aren't you popping up search results that don't include "gallstones" in the posts?! I don't have gallstones; I have a practically non-existent gallbladder ejection fraction (I'm not being hyperbolic here. It really is practically non-existent. Normal function is between 35-75%. Mine is 3-7%).

Internets, you have let me down. You have not given me the magical answer to make my gallbladder behave itself. I thought you were omnipotent, God-like... dare I say you were actually God. But, you have limits and I have found them.

So now I'm back to obsessing about my gallbladder. I'm trying to send it lots of love and healing energy (the opposite of what I do when The Trolls misbehave). I'm taking it to fat-free dinners and speaking to it in soothing and dulcet tones. I'm also talking about it non-stop to anyone who will listen. What I can and can't consume will keep me chattering for literal tens of minutes on end and I'm debating getting "Pavlov's Bitch" tattooed on my ass, because I totally feel like a Pavlovian dog at the moment.

Or maybe I should name my gallbladder Pavlov.