Sunday, November 7, 2010

I'm not going to pretend that this is even going to make sense

I've been experiencing a strange dichotomy of emotions lately. Simultaneously feeling stuck and at the cusp of a major spiritual breakthrough. Funnily enough, I haven't had time, this week, to focus on much more than just simply getting through the day. I could only spare my beloved a couple of short hours ('til this weekend) -- a gift of time that was sorely needed.

But I was talking about my dichotomous emotional state, wasn't I?

I think the best way to explain what's been going on with me is this way: I hand write my blogs before I post them -- a habit (the handwriting, not the blogging part) picked up in elementary school, where we were told to always do a rough draft first, to work through the bugs. Of course, this predated computers and I suppose, these days, I could skip past the writing-it-out part and get right to the typing (and make my corrections real-time), but I rather enjoy the connectivity and visceral response I feel putting pen to paper. When the words flow through me, writing it out feels more like art and less like something anyone can do.

But I can't stand my handwriting these days, and I become focused on the aesthetics of the page, rather than the words themselves, and I end up stopping -- the displeasure so rancid in my mind that I become too distracted to continue my thought. I have about six blogs started -- good ones, too -- but not fleshed out enough to post (maybe I should just post what I have, in list form. Hmm... that's an idea).

This really is a good example of what's been flowing through my head lately. I am doing battle with a seemingly ceaseless mental cacophony of negativity, yet have never felt more clear or more connected to myself. I am so in touch with my emotional state, and am in awe of the process, that I really don't want to stop the barrage of vitriolic sewage from battering my skull.

And yet... yet, I have never felt more spiritually centered, more aware or more connected to myself and the God force than I do right now.

I'm not even afraid that all this means that I am naturally an evil and bitter person. Quite the contrary! I recognize it as an honest response to the recent medical trauma I experienced and my working through it, and also of cleansing of the cobwebby parts of my head; the dark side, if you will.

I am fully honoring my darker nature because I know I don't want to stay here for very long, and to resist the darkness is to linger longer with it. And because of this honesty and clarity -- and my lack of fear -- that I recognize it only as a rite of passage. So I will immerse myself in the cleansing fires and await my deliverance with calm certainty.

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